


Letting Go

by maraudermoeyy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Depression, Language, Loss of a sibling, M/M, Minor Character Death, Panic Attack, Remus being a sweetheart, Smoking, anxiety attack, wolfstar, wolfstar angst, wolfstar fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 18:03:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19025122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maraudermoeyy/pseuds/maraudermoeyy
Summary: Just a few months after losing his younger brother, Sirius is dragged out to a bar by his friends. But, it's a bust. He just can't shake the pain. But, when his new, very attractive friend Remus offers an ear, Sirius can't say no.Remus knows Sirius is bottling his emotions, but can he help his friend let go of his demons without scaring him away? Or will his efforts to help Sirius heal be in vain?





	Letting Go

Sirius leaned against the brick wall and took a drag of his cigarette. He promised Prongs three months ago that he wouldn't smoke. And, for a few weeks, he had been successful in keeping that promise. But, lately, he couldn't give two shits about keeping his word. It just hurt too much, and he needed something to hold onto. There was no way he could go home to an empty flat and stare at his brother's things, knowing he was gone.

Gone. Forever.

James, Peter, and their new friend Remus invited Sirius out as a distraction. 'You can't stay inside forever, mate. You need to get out and let time pass.' James had said to him just over a week ago. Tonight, he had finally given in.

And he regretted everything. The stupid bar that his friends had dragged him to was bustling. It was a holiday weekend, so everyone and their mother was out getting shitfaced. 

It was just too loud, and too happy.

Sirius rested the back of his head against the wall, his cigarette dangling from his lips. Several loose curls crossed over his forehead, but he didn't care. He wasn't there to impress anyone. Not today. He had thrown on a t-shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans, along with his signature black combat boots. It was just his daily look. 

He was glad he had snagged his leather jacket while shuffling out the door. It was chilly outside, borderline cold. The thick clouds overhead threatened rain soon. And, it looked like he was walking home. He could just bum a ride from Peter when he headed home. They only lived a few blocks apart. Or, he could walk a mile in the rain. It didn't matter.

Nothing mattered.

The bar's back door opened slowly and a familiar figure emerged. Remus Lupin, a new friend of James' who had been joining them on group nights out for the last few months, stepped onto the uneven pavement. His charcoal gray pea coat was draped over his arm, and his hair was slightly disheveled, as usual. 

Remus turned towards Sirius and smiled, catching his gaze. The oddly handsome man approached Sirius quickly like he was running from something.

"Hey," Remus greeted, his smile still plastered over his lips.

"Hey," Sirius muttered as he took the last drag of his cigarette. He flicked it down onto the ground in front of him and stomped it out with his boot. "Was it windy in there?" Sirius asked, pointing to Remus' messy hair. The man blushed and frantically raked his fingers through his locks.

"No," he mumbled. "I can't control it. Ever." Sirius couldn't help but smile. Remus' cinnamon brown waves were worse off now than before he had mentioned them, but he didn't mind at all. His wild hair, his scruffy jaw, his black button-up shirt that was buttoned a little too high, it was all part of his strange allure. 

"Heading home?" Sirius asked as he shoved his hands into his pockets, pressing his shoulder blades into the brick wall behind him. Remus nodded.

"Yeah. I was waiting out front for a cab for, like, twenty minutes. But, none showed up. Busy night, I guess." He slipped his coat off his arm and put it on. "I don't live terribly far. I figured I'd just walk back."

Sirius pushed off the wall. "Can't Pete or James give you a ride back?" Remus shook his head.

"They both went home over half an hour ago. They thought you left." Sirius' eyes widened. Had he been out there that long? Sirius sighed.

"Well, I guess I'll head home too." He didn't want to. He would pay to just stand in that alleyway and not have to go back and face his brother's empty room again. He held his head low.  
"Are you walking? Don't you live on the other side of the city?" Remus realized. Sirius just shrugged.

"It's not really that far. I'll get there in an hour and a half or so. Maybe less," Sirius informed his new friend in a whisper. "I'll be fine."

Remus shook his head as he buttoned his coat. "My flat is only a thirty-minute walk," Remus informed as he peered down the alley at a rowdy group of barely-legals. "How about you stay at my place tonight. I would feel horrible sending you off to walk for an hour and a half at night alone." Sirius pursed his lips. The offer was tempting. He could be somewhere other than home for just one night. No empty bedroom, none of his brother's things sitting where he had left them months ago. No silence.

"Alright, mate," he whispered. "I promise I won't be a bother." If there was something Sirius knew about Remus Lupin, it was that he was exceedingly kind. He paid for Sirius' tab once when he had forgotten his wallet. He never put anyone in the group down, ever. And, he had even called Sirius when his brother died. Sirius didn't pick up, but he still had the short, awkwardly sweet voicemail saved on his phone. 

"It's not a bother if I'm offering." Remus smiled and turned to head down the alley. Sirius followed, keeping an eye on the young man in front of him.

Once the two of them reached the street, Remus pointed to the right. Both of them walked side by side down the busy sidewalk towards Remus' neighborhood. The street lamps overhead illuminated the buckled sidewalk, which seemed to get better as they trekked further from the bar.

"So, James tells me that you're an artist?" Remus broke the silence, turning towards Sirius. He nodded.

"On the side, yeah. I paint and write. I work four days a week at a coffee shop down the street, mainly doing inventory and bookkeeping. It's not the most thrilling thing, but it will do." He chuckled as he slipped a piece of gum into his mouth. "It pays the rent."

"That sounds almost calming." Remus nodded, smiling. The pitter-patter of his Converse echoed a little as the people around them began to weed out. "What do you like to write? Anything in particular?"

Sirius shrugged. He didn't really want to talk about himself right now. But, it was a distraction. "Poetry mostly. I write some short stories about people I encounter during the day. I don't share much of my work. It's mainly for me. It's soothing."

"I'd love to read it sometime." Sirius gaze snapped over to his buddy, who bit his lower lip. "I mean, if that's okay with you." Remus let out an anxious chuckle. "I'm studying to be an English professor. I'm almost done with my paid mentorship at the university." He rubbed his jaw nervously. Why was he so anxious? Sirius watched his tiny ticks as he talked. "I want to teach Creative Writing. I think there are a lot of students out there with such talent, but they have no one to help them with the technicalities."

Sirius watched Remus' mouth as he licked his lips between sentences. There was a thin, diagonal scar stretching from his bottom lip to his chin, pulling his smile just slightly to the right. It was the most adorable fucking thing Sirius had ever seen. 

"That's awesome." Sirius ran a finger through the ends of his hair. "Do you give private tutoring lessons?"

Remus grinned. "If that means I get to read your work, then yes." He flipped his hair back. "Do you write about your brother?" Sirius' stomach sank at his words.

"No." It was a lie. "Why?"

"Writing can be therapeutic. That's all. I don't mean to push-"

"I don't really want to talk about Regulus," Sirius snapped. Remus nodded slowly.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." Remus slowed his pace a little, and Sirius matched him. But, the silence between them was deafening. 

Sirius let out a long sigh. "I'm sure James mentioned it to you." He closed his eyes for a moment, then glanced back over at Remus. "It was just after you and I met. He got wrapped up with the wrong people, and it got him killed." Sirius could feel his stomach begin to sour. He needed to stop while he was ahead. "It's a long story."

"A story for another time," Remus whispered. "Right now, I want to know about your art, and your flat, and why you seem to have at least seven different AC/DC t-shirts." He chuckled the last few words. Sirius smiled as he tried his damnedest to calm himself down.

By the time they reached Remus' block, Sirius was feeling a little lighter. They talked about his painting, and how he had covered most of the walls in his flat with art. He mentioned his favorite painting of David Bowie, which was on a five-foot-tall canvas hanging over his bed.

"Thank goodness for vaulted ceilings," Sirius chuckled. "Or that beauty would have to hang in the bathroom. And that's no place for a god like Bowie." Remus laughed as he fumbled with his keys in the door. 

"Five feet of David Bowie's bust. Wow. I don't know if I could sleep with that in the room."

Sirius laughed. "He's watching over me. Bowie will never let me down." Sirius silenced as he walked into the simply decorated, pristine living space. The walls were ivory colored in every room and covered with scattered paintings that were most likely picked up at a second-hand store. The living room was filled with a reasonably new couch, an armchair, and a small television. It was quaint, functional, everything Sirius figured Remus Lupin's home would be.

"Would you like anything to drink?" Remus offered courteously as he set his keys on the small coffee table. Then, the young man made his way towards the small galley kitchen just off the living room. "I have tea, water, juices of all sorts. Unless you're interested in more liquor." Sirius shook his head and chuckled. He leaned against the archway at the beginning of the small kitchen.

"Why? Are you trying to seduce me?" he joked. Remus snapped his gaze up, meeting Sirius' gaze.

"Uh, not really." He shifted awkwardly and Sirius frowned. 

"Tea's fine, thanks." So much for flirting. 

Sirius glanced over the plainly decorated room. "Nice place, nice neighborhood. You seem to be doing well," he observed. "You can afford all of this while mentoring at a uni?" Remus placed the kettle on the stove and shook his head.

"You asked if I tutor. Well, I actually do. I charge per hour and have a few regular students who come to me for help, mainly with writing essays. But, it helps with the bills. Without that, all of my income would go to the rent alone." Remus chewed on his lower lip as he reached for two mugs. Sirius stared at his lightly freckled skin and smiled. 

"You must be a talented writer," Sirius muttered, his eyes locked on Remus' movements. Remus shrugged.

"I bet you are too. My offer still stands, for tutoring. I could read over your work if you ever think of publishing it." He grinned over at Sirius, his genuine smile set slightly askew by his scar.   
"I don't know if I'll publish it. I've never really thought about it." Sirius shook his head. "It's just a load of nonsense really."

Remus nodded as he reached for the squealing kettle. "I doubt that." Remus turned towards his small refrigerator, then glanced over at Sirius. "Milk?" Sirius nodded, forcing a smile. His stomach suddenly churned. The last time he drank tea was with his brother, just two months before. Regulus never took milk in his tea, just a dusting of sugar. Sirius closed his eyes as tears quickly welled up. 

"Excuse me," Sirius blurted suddenly. He immediately turned around and racrf down the hallway. There had to be a bathroom somewhere. He passed one door on the right, which was a small bedroom made into an office. Nope. He spun around frantically, peering into the small door on his left. Bingo. Without thinking, he rushed into the small washroom and slammed the door behind him, just in time for the tears to break free. He pressed his body against the door and sobbed.

"Sirius?" Remus called from the end of the hall. "Is everything alright?" Sirius stilled, then sobbed even harder. His back slid down the door, leaving him in a blubbering mess on the tile floor. Footsteps creaked on the old hardwood, slowly approaching the bathroom. "Sirius?"

He tried to answer, but all that came out was a loud whimper. He held his tear-stained face in his hands. 

"Sirius, what's wrong?" Remus' voice was just on the other side of the door now. "Did I say something?" Sirius shook his head violently. 

"No," he croaked. "I-It's not you." Sirius lowered his head in embarrassment. It had been a while since he had cried this hard, especially in front of someone. He had cried for hours in front of James the day Regulus died. But, since then, he had been holding it in, trying to push it away.

But, there was no pushing it away. The pain was going to stay until it was released.

"Sirius, please open the door. I want to help," Remus pleaded. Sirius lifted his head and sighed, forcing in a staggered breath, before lifting himself up off the floor. He counted to three, then turned the doorknob.

Remus was standing closer than he expected, forcing him back a step. The young man's face was ridden with concern as he studied Sirius.

"Sirius, what happened?" he asked just above a whisper. Sirius closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. 

"It's stupid-"

"Nothing that makes someone that upset is stupid," Remus snapped. "Something that causes that kind of reaction shouldn't be kept inside." Sirius stilled, then nodded.

"The last time I had tea was with my brother. It was just a few days before he died. We were just relaxing at the end of the day. It was nothing special. But, he would always heat the water and prepare everything." Sirius chuckled as he wiped his cheeks with the back of his hand. "He took pride in his ability to boil water." Remus laughed lightly, smiling down at his friend.

"That sounds like a nice memory. One you should hold onto, not push away." Remus bit his lip. "Time heals wounds, Sirius." He reached out and rested his hand on Sirius shoulder. "But, you can't keep it all aside. You'll explode."

Sirius gestured to himself and shrugged. "Like this?"

"Yes," Remus sighed. "Come sit down. We can talk, or we can just sit in silence." The corner of his lip turned upward as he gestured down the hall. "I promise my couch is much more comfortable than the bathroom floor." Sirius laughed, rubbing his swollen eyes. Then, he followed Remus down the hall to the living room. He plopped down onto the small couch as Remus retrieved the two tea mugs from the kitchen. Remus handed Sirius a mug before parking himself beside him. 

"So," Sirius began, "what do you want to know?"

"Only what you're willing to share." Remus' fingers nervously danced on the side of his mug.

"James probably told you, but my brother Regulus was murdered a few months ago. He lived with me while he was finishing school. The police are still hunting down his killer." Sirius choked back a sob, then continued. "Our parents are estranged and haven't reached out since they were informed of his death." 

"That must be painful. I can't even imagine," Remus stated softly. "I'm so sorry, Sirius."

Sirius shook his head. "You have nothing to be sorry for." His gray gaze lowered, fixing on the swirling liquid in his mug. "James and Lily have been great, and even Pete has called a few times just to distract me. But, I'm having a hard time moving on." He licked his lips. "It's so painful being home, seeing remnants of him everywhere. His room is just the way he left it. I haven't touched a thing. I feel like if I move anything, or give anything away, it makes everything real." Remus nodded, reached out his hand. He took Sirius' hand in his and laced his fingers with his. Sirius froze at the gesture and glanced back up at the man beside him.

"You stay here as long as you need to," Remus offered. "If it's too painful to go home, my door is always open. I know it sounds odd coming from someone you don't know well-"  
"Thank you, Remus," Sirius interrupted. "It means a lot."

The two men sat there in silence for what felt like hours. Sirius sipped his lukewarm tea, not knowing what else to day. He had just spilled his guts to a man he barely knew. But, something about Remus' company was oddly soothing. Sure, when James came over after everything, he was very supportive. Lily made meals and James tried his hardest to make him laugh. But, Remus was genuine, softer. He wasn't trying hard to make him smile or set a distraction. He just listened, offered an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on. Sirius has no idea that was what he needed. Not until now.

After a few more minutes passed, Remus pulled his hand from Sirius and stood from the couch. He reached out for Sirius' empty mug. Sirius handed it over silently and watched Remus disappear into the kitchen. When he returned, Remus grabbed the remote to the small television and plopped back down on the couch, landing closer to Sirius than before. Sirius smiled and turned towards him.

"Television? At two in the morning?" he asked with a chuckle. Remus raised an eyebrow.

"A distraction before falling asleep can help," Remus informed him. He flipped through the channels before landing on an action movie Sirius had never seen before. Honestly, at this point, they could watch infomercials for all he cared. He just wanted to be there with Remus.

Remus tossed the remote onto the couch cushion beside him, then reached out for Sirius' hand again. He laced his fingers with the other man's, like before, then focused in on the movie. Sirius let out a slow, steady breath and smiled.

They sat like that for a while, almost like it was something they did every night. Remus' thumb traced smooth circles into the side of Sirius' hand, grounding the young man whenever a wave of emotion came through. Sirius caught Remus' gaze every once in a while and smiled, then turned back to the screen.

Remus head slowly tilted before landing on Sirius shoulder. A faint snort escaped from Remus, making Sirius smile. He was asleep. Remus had fallen asleep on his shoulder. Sirius studied him while his stomach reacted. It wasn't churning like earlier. No, this time, it was fluttering. He felt like a fucking teenager with a crush. But, it was better than he had felt in a long time. And he would take that any day.

Sirius gently rested his head against Remus' and closed his eyes. For once, he wasn't afraid to fall asleep. Sure, he would probably have the same nightmares he had been having for weeks now. But, that didn't scare him anymore. 

For the first time in a long time, he wouldn't wake up alone.


End file.
